Thursday, February 26, 2009

heartbroken and disillusioned

gave me your word
and now that your word
doesn't mean that much
to me
and in
the silence
I can hear
the truth ring loud and clear
I never meant
that much
to you
and it seems
a whisper to a scream
was all that we knew
before the talk is through
I'm telling you
no more words tonight
no more words
I don't ever want to hear
you say you love me
one more time
no more words tonight
no more words
I'll forever keep the silence
and you can keep
your lies
you try
to throw me
one last line
to throw me
one last time
but now I guess
I'm wise to you
and vows
in the night
are broken in the light
what you recite
I have heard before
so say no more
the dialogue is over
I see your lips move
but you don't make a sound
you've lost what I have found
a voice inside of me
that sets me free

~ L. Kowalchyk

Friday, February 20, 2009

trembling with fear

After there was anger and sadness and admonishments and apologies and tears and trembling... after there was baring of souls, then there were his arms around me holding me closer than he ever has. My body trembled, my tears poured from my eyes with fear and loneliness... such intense loneliness while I was right there in his arms.

Softly he said, "Baby, I can feel your heart pounding against my chest."

"I know. I know. Just don't let go. Please don't let go. If you let go, I'm afraid it'll fall out."

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

a turning point

Dear Master,

I woke at 2:30 this morning and I tossed and turned the rest of the morning. I feel sick with anxiety and stress.

This doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel good. It boils down to this, my Master: I need to feel loved. I need someone who cares about me. I need someone who values me. I need someone who is willing to invest time and effort in me and in us because they believe I’m worth that investment. I need someone that wants to spend time with me rather than blow off steam with others all the time. I need someone who makes me feel wanted. I need someone who inspires me to be a better me. I need someone who will give me very basic attention, love and affection. It actually takes very little to make me feel happy and loved and cared for, but you have chosen time and time again to not provide any of that. So I wonder… are you that someone that I need? Do you even want to be that someone?

I need to stop feeling sad and rejected and unwanted and insecure. I need to stop feeling unworthy and ugly and insignificant. I need to go back to feeling strong and confident and beautiful and lovable - because I AM all of those things. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I’ve turned into a wimpy, insecure, and lost submissive. I am constantly feeling scared and unhappy and lost. That isn’t who I was and it isn’t who I want to be.

I love you. And, if this goes badly, I think there is a part of me that will continue to love you even after I stop grieving the loss of my Master and the loss of my dream of fully being yours. That has been my dream all along, Master… to fully be yours and for you to want me fully as yours.

I will forever be grateful to you for showing me a glimpse of the depths of my submission and devotion… because the devotion I’ve shown you has been unparalleled in my previous experiences. Thank for teaching me to crave a darkness in humiliation that I have never known before. I will always value you and I will always be here to offer my friendship – especially during the difficult times you’re currently facing.

Now I have to ask the one thing of you that I don't want to ask. Will you stop owning me? I can't and won't take my freedom from you - especially because I don't truly want it. So now, with everything I’ve said, I need you to make a choice. Please make a choice that, above all else, reflects what YOU want... and secondly reflects what you think is best for us both. Can you and will you meet my needs?

I know things are crazy for you right now and I know you’ve asked me to be patient. But, Master, I have been showing patience all along and its time I get some of my needs met. I've tried, I've really really tried to be good and to not be demanding and to consider everything you’re going through and just put myself on hold. But Master, I don't know if I can do it anymore. It’s getting to a point where I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel… only never-ending darkness. If there is no light at the end of the tunnel, if there is no hope for us to be what we both need, then what's the point of going on with this? I've been convincing myself that it isn't you who has to change, it's your situation… and that everything will be fine once the situation changes. Now I’m not so sure of that anymore. I fear that we’ve been stuck in this rut for so long that it won’t get better even once your biggest sources of stress are resolved.

I believe that if you truly think of me as yours, then you can find a way to provide what I need in order for me to flourish in your ownership. Do you truly think of me as yours? Do you understand what it means to own someone? I don’t ask that in a condescending way – I ask because I know that I give of myself to you probably more than anyone else ever has.

I believe that if we both want the same thing, then we can make this happen and we can have a solid and fulfilling relationship that meets both of our needs. But we have to both want to be good to each other. Before making your choice, please ask yourself if you want to be good to me.

I am terrified to send this, but I know it must be done. I am terrified that you will let me go, but it’s a chance I have to take. I can only trust that you believe me when I tell you I love you and want to serve you with all that I am. And I can only hope that my devotion is of enough value to you that you’ll want to keep me and keep me happy.

The one who loves you.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009


I dreamt of you last night. I don't dream of you often, but I love it when I do. I love that I can see and hear and feel and taste us together in my dreams. These dreams are very rare and welcomed gifts. And, without fail, they always ALWAYS leave me craving you ten times more than I normally do.

In my dream you had your Harley and you wore black leather pants for the long ride. I don't know where we were coming from or where we were going, but we stopped. I'm assuming it was at a hotel. Some of the details are unclear because one scene steps into the next in choppy sequences, not fluid and seamless. I'm assuming it was a hotel because suddenly I was naked and on my knees before you and you were standing before me with your feet apart and wearing only your leather pants.

You instruct me very clearly, "Bury your nose." I know what this means and I do it without hesitation. I press my face to the leather... first along the muscular swell of your inner thigh and then working my way up. I lick and inhale and even try to delicately gnaw on your pants and on your flesh. The smell of the leather is intoxicating, but it doesn't mask your scent when my nose is buried against your balls. I am lost in the feel, taste, smell of you... and in the sound of your low groan - that same sound that makes me ache with desire. My tongue presses forcefully against the leather and my mouth trembles while my body quivers. I want so much more. I want all of you. I want to devour you and be devoured by you - simultaneously the predator and the prey. The leather, although I love the scent and texture and taste, is in my way and I want to rip it apart; but I know that I can't so I just moan and whimper in agonizing frustration and desperate need.

You have one strong hand in my hair; softly running your fingers through the long, silky strands. The other hand unfastens and unzips your pants. I moan and groan loudly as I feel the ache in my belly demand to be satisfied. I stare at your cock springing free of its confines and into your hand. You hold me back with the firm grip in my hair while I strain against your hold to get my mouth on your cock. I know you're grinning wickedly as you watch my eyes fixate on your cock and my mouth begin to drool.

"Open your mouth and keep it open."

I moan like a desperate animal. Saliva gathers on the inside of my lips and I remind myself to not close my mouth to swallow. I begin to drool and I hate it, but at this moment I just don't care. My focus is on your glorious cock and your gorgeous hand slowly stroking it. I look up at you - my big blue eyes silently pleading with you to let me have it... let me taste it... let me touch it. Pleeeeeeeeeease. Looking into your eyes makes me want to fuck - it always does. Just like that Pavlovian dog I start to rock my hips back and forth, humping at nothing and desperate for something.

You let go of my hair and step away from me to remove your pants. I crawl toward you and you tell me I'm a good little cumpuppy. I whimper at your praise. You tell me, "Just your tongue, little cumpuppy." And I lick. I lick the head and taste your delicious pre-cum. I lick along the underside of your shaft and make my way to your balls. They're full and so perfectly smooth. I taste them and weigh them against my tongue. I want to open my mouth wide to nestle them on my tongue, but I remain obedient and just lick. I lick and lick and lick until I'm beneath you with my head tilted and I press the tip of my tongue into your puckered hole.

I taste you. I wake. And I ache.