Thursday, July 9, 2009

a conversation with S

S is the man who inspired this blog initially. He's the one who managed to turn me into something totally different than what I was when I first became involved with him just over a year ago. Our relationship lasted eight months and I mourned for about two months after it ended. We spoke yesterday.

Him: I never stopped loving you.
me: (burst into tears upon hearing those words) Don't say it if you don't mean it! Please!
Him: (in a very calm and even tone) your Master never stopped loving you. You never stopped being mine and you never will. I own you. I'll always own you.

Oh God, what am I getting myself into. This can't possibly be a good thing. * sigh *

Friday, July 3, 2009


My dear girlfriend told me that coping with heartache is all about distraction. She's advised me to get out there and have fun... find someone who will make me feel good about myself, make me feel wanted, make me feel attractive, make me feel sexy. Essentially, she thinks I need my ego stroked in order to help cope with the heartache. It won't make the pain go away, but it will dull it - at least temporarily.

So I've decided to take her advice. There are two new dominant men on the radar. I haven't met either yet, but we've been corresponding electronically - via emails and live chat through messenger.

Mr D:
- about 15 years my senior
- currently lives about 5 hours away, but is considering relocating to my city for career advancement purposes.
- single
- no children
- I'm not sure I'm physically attracted to him - I'll have to judge that in person

Mr M:
- only about two years my senior (that's a little young for my taste)
- relatively local (he lives about an hour away)
- single
- I'm definitely physically attracted to him

Mr D plans to visit some family in my area next week. We will meet during that time - a platonic meeting just to gage our chemistry. We'll see how that goes.

I only started communicating with Mr M a few days ago. I know little about him and I'm not sure when we'll meet. No plans have been set yet. We'll see how that goes.

The distraction feels good while I'm being distracted, but I still think very much about the one who I thought would change my life (he was Mr J.R.). I still hurt and am still terribly confused about what happened. I don't know when I'll be able to let that go.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

last attempt

I made a last attempt at communication last Friday. I sent one last email. There will be no future attempts. I cannot continue to bang my head against a brick wall. And, quite frankly, it hurts to much to be treated like I don't exist and don't matter. It hurts too much to be completely ignored by the man who taught me that I was submissive eleven years ago and who has been a dear friend for the last ten years. It hurts too much to see that the one man I had placed on the highest of pedestals... the one who I thought was "the one" is not behaving in the worst way possible.

At this point I no longer expect to hear from him. I'm not checking my cell phone or my email as often as I was. Eventually I'll stop checking altogether. Now I just need to give myself whatever time needed to heal from this emotional and psychological fiasco and do my best to not blame myself for the result. And then I will move on... move forward... learn from this and choose more carefully next time (although how much more careful can I be? I have known him for eleven years.) And then maybe the next one will be a good one... a true one... a genuine one. We shall see. In the meantime, this is a time for healing.

If I had known that this would have been the end result... if I had known that you would have disappeared from my life completely without any kind of explanation or notice, then I would never have told you that I wanted to be your submissive again. I would have continued to be silent about the way I feel about you forever if I had known that the alternative would cause me to lose you completely. I would have rather lived with my secret forever and kept you as a friend than opened up to you at this cost.

I have wanted to be yours for many years. When you said to me, "I only wish I could be the one to make you happy", I took that as an open door... an invitation... and I took advantage of that opportunity - the opportunity I'd been DYING to have for YEARS - and started opening up to you about my feelings. Opening up to you turned out to be the worst thing I could have done.

I never imagined that you would abruptly end contact without
notice or explanation. I never imagined that the last 10+ years meant so little to you... that I meant so little to you. I never imagined that you would share your thoughts about a future together with me and my daughters and then very suddenly end all contact like I never existed... like those words were never spoken. I never imagined that you would have me call you Master and you would refer to me as YOUR submissive/slave but then treat me like I was yesterday's trash.

I've been trying to figure out what happened. I've been trying to imagine what you could possibly be thinking that would lead you to conclude that handling the situation in this manner would be a good idea.

- Maybe the idea of an instant family suddenly set in and scared you
- Maybe you realized you aren't attracted to me
- Maybe you feel I wouldn't be a good enough submissive to you
- Maybe you need some time to think things through
- Maybe you're forcing me to take some time to think things through
- Maybe you've decided you really want to focus on advancing your career and not have to focus on maintaining a relationship with me
- Maybe you just wanted your ego stroked temporarily and were never really interested in having me
- Maybe you've found someone you prefer over me

So many maybe's floating through my mind. I can't stop thinking and wondering what could have happened. Yet, no matter what possibility I come up with, none of them explain why you wouldn't just inform me
of your choice or situation. Why wouldn't you just contact me in some way and simply say, "Hey, listen... things have gotten complicated. I need to work some things out. I'll contact you in a month (or six or never)" ?

You specifically told me that our friendship would remain intact, no matter what happened.

You spoke of collaring me.

You spoke of our future together, including my daughters.

You told me we would spend time together.

You told me I was welcomed in your home and in your arms any time.

You told me you crave me all the time.

You told me I was precious.

You told me you would never damage a precious one.

And now I'm left wondering which of your words were genuine and true. I'm left wondering if any of your words were ever genuine and true. And, more than anything else, I'm left wondering how I could have felt so much for someone who seemingly doesn't exist.

What happened? Please just tell me what happened.

Monday, June 15, 2009

so much confusion

Who the hell are you? And what have you done with the man I knew and adored for the last ten years?

What the hell is going on?

How does one go from talking about a future together... to not talking at all for over a month?

What kind of person establishes a routine of daily contact and then suddenly no contact at all without any notice?

What kind of Dom instructs a submissive to call him "Master" and then completely neglects her?

How did you become the kind of person I never imagined you could possibly be?

How can you possibly be so inconsiderate, disrespectful, and cruel when I always believed you to be the exact opposite of those things?

Will you ever contact me again? Or are we just done completely and without any explanation?

If you intend to never speak to me again, then just say so - even if it's without an explanation... so that I can get over this and get myself together again.

Thursday, June 11, 2009


Today marks exactly four weeks since I've heard anything from him.

He was supposed to be a positive part of my life, not a source of pain. I don't need more pain and confusion right now. I've got enough of that in my life without him.

I never imagined he, of all people, could do something like this. I don't know what to make of it. We've known each other for ten years. How could he possibly treat me this way?

So if this was a test, I guess I failed it... because I give up.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

always with me


I was at IKEA today shopping for a few things. I stopped to look for a particular plant in their plant section and stumbled upon their pet section. Out of the corner of my eye I saw some leashes and collars hanging from hooks. I immediately thought of you and then I giggled... right in the middle of the IKEA pet section I started to giggle out loud.

The leash and collar set that caught my eye was bright green and had white flowers on it... and I thought to myself, "Master would kill me if I brought something like that home for myself." I think it's cute, but I'm guessing you'll think it much too girly and silly for your taste. Am I right, Master? (please see photo below)

Always thinking of you,
your sweet one

Saturday, May 30, 2009

when the soul wants, the soul waits

Still no contact. Sixteen days without any contact... and counting.

I'm trying very hard not to lose my mind, but it isn't easy. All of the unknowns make the control freak in me more than a little uncomfortable with this whole situation.

When will he return?

When will I hear from him again?

Where is he now?

Is he safe?

Am I being tested for patience and self-control?

Is this an exercise in training me for patience and self-control?

Am I being punished?

What kind of behaviour is acceptable under these circumstances?

What behaviour is desirable under these circumstances?

I've tried calling his cell a few times in the last week and the phone rings, so I'm fairly certain that he's still safe. I'll be worried out of my mind when and if his phone gets disconnected. I just hope that my attempts at contact will not be seen as punishable offenses... or offenses at all, for that matter. I wouldn't be this out of control if I knew when this will end... or what's going on. But then it wouldn't be much of a test or training on patience if I knew what to expect.

It's easy to be patient when you know exactly what's coming and when it's coming. Not knowing what will happen or how it will happen or when it will happen is a much bigger test of and exercise in patience. Perhaps that's what's happening here. After all, he knows I follow orders very well. So there would be no test if he were to tell me to sit tight for three weeks (or whatever arbitrary time frame). I could do that very easily. I would still miss him terribly, of course, but I could do it without losing my composure. So there would be no test or training involved in that scenario. This scenario, however, is definitely testing my patience.

On the other hand, if this isn't a test or a training exercise and if he is simply too busy to contact me then I'll be a little disappointed. I haven't been expecting daily contact. I was simply expecting an update when his trip went much longer than anticipated.

For now I need to focus on this being a test or training exercise (regardless of whether it is or isn't) and do my best in dealing with my overactive imagination and emotions.