Thursday, July 9, 2009

a conversation with S

S is the man who inspired this blog initially. He's the one who managed to turn me into something totally different than what I was when I first became involved with him just over a year ago. Our relationship lasted eight months and I mourned for about two months after it ended. We spoke yesterday.

Him: I never stopped loving you.
me: (burst into tears upon hearing those words) Don't say it if you don't mean it! Please!
Him: (in a very calm and even tone) your Master never stopped loving you. You never stopped being mine and you never will. I own you. I'll always own you.

Oh God, what am I getting myself into. This can't possibly be a good thing. * sigh *

Friday, July 3, 2009


My dear girlfriend told me that coping with heartache is all about distraction. She's advised me to get out there and have fun... find someone who will make me feel good about myself, make me feel wanted, make me feel attractive, make me feel sexy. Essentially, she thinks I need my ego stroked in order to help cope with the heartache. It won't make the pain go away, but it will dull it - at least temporarily.

So I've decided to take her advice. There are two new dominant men on the radar. I haven't met either yet, but we've been corresponding electronically - via emails and live chat through messenger.

Mr D:
- about 15 years my senior
- currently lives about 5 hours away, but is considering relocating to my city for career advancement purposes.
- single
- no children
- I'm not sure I'm physically attracted to him - I'll have to judge that in person

Mr M:
- only about two years my senior (that's a little young for my taste)
- relatively local (he lives about an hour away)
- single
- I'm definitely physically attracted to him

Mr D plans to visit some family in my area next week. We will meet during that time - a platonic meeting just to gage our chemistry. We'll see how that goes.

I only started communicating with Mr M a few days ago. I know little about him and I'm not sure when we'll meet. No plans have been set yet. We'll see how that goes.

The distraction feels good while I'm being distracted, but I still think very much about the one who I thought would change my life (he was Mr J.R.). I still hurt and am still terribly confused about what happened. I don't know when I'll be able to let that go.