Wednesday, February 18, 2009

a turning point

Dear Master,

I woke at 2:30 this morning and I tossed and turned the rest of the morning. I feel sick with anxiety and stress.

This doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel good. It boils down to this, my Master: I need to feel loved. I need someone who cares about me. I need someone who values me. I need someone who is willing to invest time and effort in me and in us because they believe I’m worth that investment. I need someone that wants to spend time with me rather than blow off steam with others all the time. I need someone who makes me feel wanted. I need someone who inspires me to be a better me. I need someone who will give me very basic attention, love and affection. It actually takes very little to make me feel happy and loved and cared for, but you have chosen time and time again to not provide any of that. So I wonder… are you that someone that I need? Do you even want to be that someone?

I need to stop feeling sad and rejected and unwanted and insecure. I need to stop feeling unworthy and ugly and insignificant. I need to go back to feeling strong and confident and beautiful and lovable - because I AM all of those things. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I’ve turned into a wimpy, insecure, and lost submissive. I am constantly feeling scared and unhappy and lost. That isn’t who I was and it isn’t who I want to be.

I love you. And, if this goes badly, I think there is a part of me that will continue to love you even after I stop grieving the loss of my Master and the loss of my dream of fully being yours. That has been my dream all along, Master… to fully be yours and for you to want me fully as yours.

I will forever be grateful to you for showing me a glimpse of the depths of my submission and devotion… because the devotion I’ve shown you has been unparalleled in my previous experiences. Thank for teaching me to crave a darkness in humiliation that I have never known before. I will always value you and I will always be here to offer my friendship – especially during the difficult times you’re currently facing.

Now I have to ask the one thing of you that I don't want to ask. Will you stop owning me? I can't and won't take my freedom from you - especially because I don't truly want it. So now, with everything I’ve said, I need you to make a choice. Please make a choice that, above all else, reflects what YOU want... and secondly reflects what you think is best for us both. Can you and will you meet my needs?

I know things are crazy for you right now and I know you’ve asked me to be patient. But, Master, I have been showing patience all along and its time I get some of my needs met. I've tried, I've really really tried to be good and to not be demanding and to consider everything you’re going through and just put myself on hold. But Master, I don't know if I can do it anymore. It’s getting to a point where I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel… only never-ending darkness. If there is no light at the end of the tunnel, if there is no hope for us to be what we both need, then what's the point of going on with this? I've been convincing myself that it isn't you who has to change, it's your situation… and that everything will be fine once the situation changes. Now I’m not so sure of that anymore. I fear that we’ve been stuck in this rut for so long that it won’t get better even once your biggest sources of stress are resolved.

I believe that if you truly think of me as yours, then you can find a way to provide what I need in order for me to flourish in your ownership. Do you truly think of me as yours? Do you understand what it means to own someone? I don’t ask that in a condescending way – I ask because I know that I give of myself to you probably more than anyone else ever has.

I believe that if we both want the same thing, then we can make this happen and we can have a solid and fulfilling relationship that meets both of our needs. But we have to both want to be good to each other. Before making your choice, please ask yourself if you want to be good to me.

I am terrified to send this, but I know it must be done. I am terrified that you will let me go, but it’s a chance I have to take. I can only trust that you believe me when I tell you I love you and want to serve you with all that I am. And I can only hope that my devotion is of enough value to you that you’ll want to keep me and keep me happy.

The one who loves you.


O said...

You are very brave, and even if you don't feel it, you are very strong.

Thank you for posting this; it's very like a letter that I've been writing in my head lately and lack courage to send. Thanks again.

goodgirl said...

I sent it today and haven't yet heard back. I suspect I will be sent on my way and told he simply can't meet my needs right now - even as basic as they are.

I wonder if its still courageous if I feel sick and heartbroken.