Thursday, January 15, 2009


I've been thinking a lot - as I always do. I've been thinking about this sense of self-loathing I've had lately and this uncomfortable feeling I've had about my relationship with Master. I haven't been able to really put my finger on the cause of it, but I was talking to a girlfriend about the way I was feeling and I think we stumbled onto something.

Before belonging to him I was never into humiliation. I had always felt that I wasn't emotionally strong enough to handle humiliation... that it would break me somehow and cause psychological damage. So I stayed far away from it. Suddenly, with him, I am drowning in it. Suddenly, with him, I just take everything he gives me... I crave it... I even get wet from it - very wet. I love it and I don't want him to stop. However, I'm wondering if it could be messing me up a little and causing this recent self-loathing. I don't think the actual humiliation is causing this. I think its because of the lack of aftercare.

I'm not blaming him for anything. I know that our situations make things very difficult and our time together very limited. But whenever we play, he tends to cut things abruptly. There tends to be absolutely no aftercare at all. He tells me to calm down or calm my breathing and then he often tells me he has to go. So I'm left in this bizarre state... in subspace limbo... and I come away from it feeling broken and hating myself. That broken feeling is great when I'm with him, but I think I need to feel him putting me back together before he leaves me on my own. Its not healthy if I'm always dropping but never being built back up. It ends up making me feel empty and worthless and unwanted and just plain ugly in every way. It also sometimes makes me think that he doesn't truly love me... that he doesn't give a shit about me... that he can take me or leave me without even blinking. And feeling that way rips me apart.

I love my Master. I need him. I need everything from him. I hope we can discuss this soon so that I can start coming out of this dark space. I'm not enjoying it and, quite frankly, its beginning to scare me.

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