Tuesday, January 27, 2009


I caught myself being flirty amongst a group of people the other day and I made a mental note to ask Master if that was alright with him. When I next spoke to him his reply was, "I don't mind at all. I know my cunt is my cunt. But you aren't allowed to touch anyone. So go ahead, make their balls ache." At his mention of aching balls I clarified that sometimes I flirt with women too (even though I've never engaged in anything physically intimate with a woman). To that he responded, very matter-of-factly, that I'll be eating pussy when he says so anyway. An awkward (awkward for me anyway) silence ensued.

Him: Problem, whore?

me: Well, I... I just...

Him: Don't stutter, whore. Spit it out.

(He always enjoys making me feel uneasy.)

me: Master, can we just make sure i'm a little more secure first... secure in your ownership of me, in your love for me... please, Master?

Him: Of course.

And with that, he went on to other matters. His mind may have gone elsewhere, but mine didn't.

Later that night I lay awake in bed and thought about him, as I always do. I want to please him. There's no doubt in my mind about that. Sometimes, however, I wonder if I CAN please him. He had mentioned including another woman before and I reacted badly. My insecurities get the best of me and I fear that I would lose him to another - to someone prettier, someone sluttier, someone more exciting. So I decided that if I was to please him, then I need to wrap my brain around this scenario and begin accepting it so that I am ready for it when the time comes.

My thoughts quickly drifted to the image of me tasting some other woman's pussy while my Master fucked me from behind. Although I wasn't really turned on by the thought, I also wasn't repulsed. Then the scenario shifted again and I imagined him touching her and kissing her... and very suddenly I became physically ill. Nausea swept over me and I had to make a quick dash to the bathroom while I tried very hard to push those thoughts from my mind. I broke down in tears.

The next two days continued to be filled with nausea and tears. Apparently I'm far from ready. Apparently, my insecurities run pretty deep. Apparently, I can't please my Master in every way he wishes.

I don't know if I can stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should.
~ Missy Higgins


O said...

Oh honey....that's so difficult. I hope he doesn't want to take you anywhere before you're ready, and sometimes I think some doors need to stay shut.

Sub Sweet said...

I remember vividly a time when that was me. I agree with O.