Friday, May 8, 2009


Lots of people refer to submission as a gift. I don't agree with that notion. My submission is not a gift.

A gift is given to a person with no expectation for anything in return. When you give someone something, it becomes theirs to do with as they please. They can make use of it as you intended or they can have it sit on a shelf and collect dust while it is completely neglected or they can re-gift it to another or even discard it. And you don't take a gift back - that would simply be very poor etiquette!

None of those would be an acceptable way for my submission to be handled. If my submission were to be handled in those ways, then I would most definitely take it back. When I choose to submit, I do it with certain expectations. That leads to another statement I've heard from others - submissives don't get to have any expectations. Oh, but I beg to differ! I have a few expectations - we may even call them conditions. Yes, yes... my submission is conditional. Now you get why I don't think of it as a gift.

I expect my hard limits to be respected.
I expect my soft limits to be approached with caution.
I expect my owner to invest in our relationship - with his time, attention, and necessary training / teaching to help make me a better submissive for him and to make our relationship a successful one.
I expect my owner to make choices that are in the best interest of our relationship.
I expect my owner to be consistent - to say what he means and to mean what he says.

That last expectation has been on my mind lately, but I'll come back to that after a little recap of the overall situation.

I am currently "in training". I don't really agree with that concept because I think I will always be in training because he will always be pushing me to learn more and teaching me new ways to please him. The distinction of being his "sub in training" versus simply being his submissive was made because current circumstances do not permit me to submit fully to him and those same circumstances make him refuse to make me his completely. So I am in training until the appropriate changes can be made. So, for the time being, very little is expected of me. When he asks something of me I'm expected to do it, but he really hasn't been asking much of me at all. As a matter of fact, I've only been given three tasks (easy ones, at that) in the span of a month. I'm expected to be respectful at all times and obedient at all times, but that has never been an issue for the ten years I have known him. The one thing I AM struggling with is having patience and learning to walk before I attempt running, but I'm working on that.

Although he demands little of me at this time and I expect little of him at this time, I DO expect him to fulfill that last expectation on my list. I expect him to say what he means and to mean what he says for the simple reason that it builds and solidifies trust. So when he says something as simple as "We'll talk tomorrow morning before my flight", I count on talking to him tomorrow morning before his flight. When morning comes and goes and I don't hear from him nor am I able to reach him, it saddens me and makes me feel a little heartbroken. Of course, I understand things happen and life sometimes gets in the way of plans. However this is more difficult to accept when it happens repeatedly.

You see, his words are gospel to me - or at least they should be. So every time he doesn't do what he says he'll do, his words lose a little bit of value. And now, after this has happened about a handful of times in the last month, I am beginning to doubt him. For example, I told a girlfriend today that he left for his business trip this morning and that he had told me he would text me a couple of times during his trip to let me know what was going on. I followed that statement with an "we'll see"... which shows doubt. I shouldn't be doubting his word. I shouldn't be doubting him, but I do because there have been times when he hasn't followed through (for legitimate reasons) with his word.

My fear is that I will get to the point where I don't trust anything he says. Once I get to that point there's no turning back nor moving forward from there.

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