Friday, May 22, 2009

when you are your worst enemy

I feel forgotten. I know I haven't been forgotten, but I feel that way.

The last contact I had with him was a very brief text message on May 14. That was over a week ago. The last contact I had with him before that was a wonderful conversation on May 9. That was two weeks ago. This isn't typical. We typically communicate daily... several times per day. That isn't possible right now because he's out of town.

I was warned before he left on May 8 that he would not have his cell phone turned on while away and that he would text me once or twice to update me on what was going on out there. So I should be ok with this... right? Right. Except that I'm not ok with it. That's not entirely true. The truth is that sometimes I feel ok with it and I feel the strength of our relationship... the strength of his integrity. Other times my insecurities kick in and I feel horribly frightened by the lack of contact.

There's a part of me that wants to be the perfect submissive. That part is screaming out to just sit tight and believe in him. That part tells me to relax and that he'll contact me when it's time to contact me and he'll be home soon. If he was done with me... if he no longer wanted me, then he would say so. We've been in each others lives and have developed our bond throughout the last ten years. You don't just throw that away with avoidance. So I'm trying to sit tight. I can usually talk myself into sitting tight, but it only lasts a little while before I have to give myself that talk again.

Then there's the other part of me that frightens easily. There have been too many men in my life who have been dishonest and who have lacked integrity. My painful experiences with those men have made it difficult for me to trust those who are trustworthy. It makes me feel disappointed with myself because I know I shouldn't make this man pay for the mistakes and crappy character flaws of others. So I continually remind myself that he is not them. I continually remind myself that this man has never been dishonest with me in all the years I've known him and that he has always been caring and genuine. I need to just keep reminding myself of that over and over and over again and hope that these feelings of doubt will dissipate over time.

What I SHOULD be doing in his absence is figuring out ways, on my own, to be better for him. I should be researching and brainstorming for ways to impress him and please him upon his return. That is where my focus should be and that is where I will be reshifting my focus as of right now. I told him I wanted to make him happy and I need to show him that those words are more than just lip service.

No comments: