Saturday, May 30, 2009

when the soul wants, the soul waits

Still no contact. Sixteen days without any contact... and counting.

I'm trying very hard not to lose my mind, but it isn't easy. All of the unknowns make the control freak in me more than a little uncomfortable with this whole situation.

When will he return?

When will I hear from him again?

Where is he now?

Is he safe?

Am I being tested for patience and self-control?

Is this an exercise in training me for patience and self-control?

Am I being punished?

What kind of behaviour is acceptable under these circumstances?

What behaviour is desirable under these circumstances?

I've tried calling his cell a few times in the last week and the phone rings, so I'm fairly certain that he's still safe. I'll be worried out of my mind when and if his phone gets disconnected. I just hope that my attempts at contact will not be seen as punishable offenses... or offenses at all, for that matter. I wouldn't be this out of control if I knew when this will end... or what's going on. But then it wouldn't be much of a test or training on patience if I knew what to expect.

It's easy to be patient when you know exactly what's coming and when it's coming. Not knowing what will happen or how it will happen or when it will happen is a much bigger test of and exercise in patience. Perhaps that's what's happening here. After all, he knows I follow orders very well. So there would be no test if he were to tell me to sit tight for three weeks (or whatever arbitrary time frame). I could do that very easily. I would still miss him terribly, of course, but I could do it without losing my composure. So there would be no test or training involved in that scenario. This scenario, however, is definitely testing my patience.

On the other hand, if this isn't a test or a training exercise and if he is simply too busy to contact me then I'll be a little disappointed. I haven't been expecting daily contact. I was simply expecting an update when his trip went much longer than anticipated.

For now I need to focus on this being a test or training exercise (regardless of whether it is or isn't) and do my best in dealing with my overactive imagination and emotions.

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