Wednesday, June 24, 2009

last attempt

I made a last attempt at communication last Friday. I sent one last email. There will be no future attempts. I cannot continue to bang my head against a brick wall. And, quite frankly, it hurts to much to be treated like I don't exist and don't matter. It hurts too much to be completely ignored by the man who taught me that I was submissive eleven years ago and who has been a dear friend for the last ten years. It hurts too much to see that the one man I had placed on the highest of pedestals... the one who I thought was "the one" is not behaving in the worst way possible.

At this point I no longer expect to hear from him. I'm not checking my cell phone or my email as often as I was. Eventually I'll stop checking altogether. Now I just need to give myself whatever time needed to heal from this emotional and psychological fiasco and do my best to not blame myself for the result. And then I will move on... move forward... learn from this and choose more carefully next time (although how much more careful can I be? I have known him for eleven years.) And then maybe the next one will be a good one... a true one... a genuine one. We shall see. In the meantime, this is a time for healing.

If I had known that this would have been the end result... if I had known that you would have disappeared from my life completely without any kind of explanation or notice, then I would never have told you that I wanted to be your submissive again. I would have continued to be silent about the way I feel about you forever if I had known that the alternative would cause me to lose you completely. I would have rather lived with my secret forever and kept you as a friend than opened up to you at this cost.

I have wanted to be yours for many years. When you said to me, "I only wish I could be the one to make you happy", I took that as an open door... an invitation... and I took advantage of that opportunity - the opportunity I'd been DYING to have for YEARS - and started opening up to you about my feelings. Opening up to you turned out to be the worst thing I could have done.

I never imagined that you would abruptly end contact without
notice or explanation. I never imagined that the last 10+ years meant so little to you... that I meant so little to you. I never imagined that you would share your thoughts about a future together with me and my daughters and then very suddenly end all contact like I never existed... like those words were never spoken. I never imagined that you would have me call you Master and you would refer to me as YOUR submissive/slave but then treat me like I was yesterday's trash.

I've been trying to figure out what happened. I've been trying to imagine what you could possibly be thinking that would lead you to conclude that handling the situation in this manner would be a good idea.

- Maybe the idea of an instant family suddenly set in and scared you
- Maybe you realized you aren't attracted to me
- Maybe you feel I wouldn't be a good enough submissive to you
- Maybe you need some time to think things through
- Maybe you're forcing me to take some time to think things through
- Maybe you've decided you really want to focus on advancing your career and not have to focus on maintaining a relationship with me
- Maybe you just wanted your ego stroked temporarily and were never really interested in having me
- Maybe you've found someone you prefer over me

So many maybe's floating through my mind. I can't stop thinking and wondering what could have happened. Yet, no matter what possibility I come up with, none of them explain why you wouldn't just inform me
of your choice or situation. Why wouldn't you just contact me in some way and simply say, "Hey, listen... things have gotten complicated. I need to work some things out. I'll contact you in a month (or six or never)" ?

You specifically told me that our friendship would remain intact, no matter what happened.

You spoke of collaring me.

You spoke of our future together, including my daughters.

You told me we would spend time together.

You told me I was welcomed in your home and in your arms any time.

You told me you crave me all the time.

You told me I was precious.

You told me you would never damage a precious one.

And now I'm left wondering which of your words were genuine and true. I'm left wondering if any of your words were ever genuine and true. And, more than anything else, I'm left wondering how I could have felt so much for someone who seemingly doesn't exist.

What happened? Please just tell me what happened.

1 comment:

super-goddess said...

I do hope you are beginning to feel better. Happy to listen - should you need to vent.