insecurities

I caught myself being flirty amongst a group of people the other day and I made a mental note to ask Master if that was alright with him. When I next spoke to him his reply was, "I don't mind at all. I know my cunt is my cunt. But you aren't allowed to touch anyone. So go ahead, make their balls ache." At his mention of aching balls I clarified that sometimes I flirt with women too (even though I've never engaged in anything physically intimate with a woman). To that he responded, very matter-of-factly, that I'll be eating pussy when he says so anyway. An awkward (awkward for me anyway) silence ensued.



Him: Problem, whore?

me: Well, I... I just...

Him: Don't stutter, whore. Spit it out.

(He always enjoys making me feel uneasy.)

me: Master, can we just make sure i'm a little more secure first... secure in your ownership of me, in your love for me... please, Master?

Him: Of course.




And with that, he went on to other matters. His mind may have gone elsewhere, but mine didn't.

Later that night I lay awake in bed and thought about him, as I always do. I want to please him. There's no doubt in my mind about that. Sometimes, however, I wonder if I CAN please him. He had mentioned including another woman before and I reacted badly. My insecurities get the best of me and I fear that I would lose him to another - to someone prettier, someone sluttier, someone more exciting. So I decided that if I was to please him, then I need to wrap my brain around this scenario and begin accepting it so that I am ready for it when the time comes.

My thoughts quickly drifted to the image of me tasting some other woman's pussy while my Master fucked me from behind. Although I wasn't really turned on by the thought, I also wasn't repulsed. Then the scenario shifted again and I imagined him touching her and kissing her... and very suddenly I became physically ill. Nausea swept over me and I had to make a quick dash to the bathroom while I tried very hard to push those thoughts from my mind. I broke down in tears.

The next two days continued to be filled with nausea and tears. Apparently I'm far from ready. Apparently, my insecurities run pretty deep. Apparently, I can't please my Master in every way he wishes.



I don't know if I can stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should.
~ Missy Higgins

restless

My nights are restless. I can't sleep. I toss and turn through most of the night. Every time I move or shift or open my eyes, the ache inside me builds. My Master torments me. It isn't just his cunt that aches - its all of me. My skin aches for his touch, my lips ache to taste him, my fingers ache to feel and stroke him.

At 4:15am I tossed and turned until I found myself on my back with my fingers inside my panties, caressing his aching pussy. Silky smooth folds of aching flesh welcomed my fingers but my mind still wanted him. With further encouragement I probably could have had my one-a-day orgasm, but I didn't. I stopped because I knew I wouldn't be able to release the way I needed. Later today, when I'm alone, I will fill the bedroom with my screams when the unrelenting vibrations of a toy combined with thoughts of him will bring me over the edge.

I keep envisioning him having me bend over some piece of furniture to brace myself - maybe a bed or the armrest of a couch or the back of a low chair or a countertop. He has me spread my legs apart wide and bend over as far as the furniture allows so that my ass can be high and my holes exposed to him. He examines me and I am mortified, but I can't and won't object because I am his to do with as he wishes. His strong fingers probe and rub and encourage the slick wetness to swallow him up. He tells me I'm his bitch, his whore... he tells me I'm beautiful and that I'm his good little girl. He tells me everything I ache to hear. He makes me moan and whimper and ache for absolute possession. All the while those slick and swollen pink folds ache and that tiny pink button throbs like its calling out his name repeatedly and rhythmically. It is his prisoner and only he can free it from the delicious torment of its captivity.

I need to cum desperately and I beg for release. The desperation in my voice is pathetic and he loves it - as evidenced by his smug and wicked grin. He slaps his pink meat of wanton flesh - once delicately and then harshly. The tense muscles and nerve endings begin to spasm and my knees jerk for a moment as I feel weak. He reminds me harshly not to cum. He reminds me that he controls what he owns and with those words I moan like a desperate animal. He pulls his belt from the loops of his jeans and strikes his aching cunt with it - the pain mingles with the pleasure and my screams fill the air. I want him in me - always in me. His cunt is an empty greedy hole of aching nothingness without him.

He brings me to the brink of orgasm repeatedly, but never allows the release. He reminds me that his pleasure comes first. I acknowledge with an unintelligble grunt. I'm no longer able to speak. I can't string two words together... only moans and whimpers and grunts. It doesn't matter because he isn't looking for idle chit chat from me. In this moment he has me exactly as he wants me - existing for only my most basic needs and desires. I am his obedient and needy cumpuppy. The only words I can utter are "Master" and "please". They are all I need to survive this moment... those words and his mercy.

Will my Master be merciful?
Will he bring his cunt to orgasm time and time and time again until I can no longer stand?
Will he give in to my pathetic pleading when I beg for more?
Or will he taunt my flesh and my soul until I am a puddle of tears?
Will he fuck me so powerfully that each thrust knocks the wind out of my lungs and nearly knocks me off my feet?
Will he yank my hair and reach around to torture my nipples?
Will he growl in my ear and bite my shoulder and back?

broken

I've been thinking a lot - as I always do. I've been thinking about this sense of self-loathing I've had lately and this uncomfortable feeling I've had about my relationship with Master. I haven't been able to really put my finger on the cause of it, but I was talking to a girlfriend about the way I was feeling and I think we stumbled onto something.

Before belonging to him I was never into humiliation. I had always felt that I wasn't emotionally strong enough to handle humiliation... that it would break me somehow and cause psychological damage. So I stayed far away from it. Suddenly, with him, I am drowning in it. Suddenly, with him, I just take everything he gives me... I crave it... I even get wet from it - very wet. I love it and I don't want him to stop. However, I'm wondering if it could be messing me up a little and causing this recent self-loathing. I don't think the actual humiliation is causing this. I think its because of the lack of aftercare.

I'm not blaming him for anything. I know that our situations make things very difficult and our time together very limited. But whenever we play, he tends to cut things abruptly. There tends to be absolutely no aftercare at all. He tells me to calm down or calm my breathing and then he often tells me he has to go. So I'm left in this bizarre state... in subspace limbo... and I come away from it feeling broken and hating myself. That broken feeling is great when I'm with him, but I think I need to feel him putting me back together before he leaves me on my own. Its not healthy if I'm always dropping but never being built back up. It ends up making me feel empty and worthless and unwanted and just plain ugly in every way. It also sometimes makes me think that he doesn't truly love me... that he doesn't give a shit about me... that he can take me or leave me without even blinking. And feeling that way rips me apart.

I love my Master. I need him. I need everything from him. I hope we can discuss this soon so that I can start coming out of this dark space. I'm not enjoying it and, quite frankly, its beginning to scare me.

torment for a cunt

I sat very still, very quietly, and nude on the hard and uncomfortable chair. He made his way toward me with the grace and stealth and confidence of a panther. My mouth went dry as I watched him. I was sure he could see how my breathing had changed. He could probably already smell my arousal... his meat, as he liked to call it.

"Are you soaked, my little cumrag?"

The sound of his voice and those words made me want to cum that very instant. Of course I was soaked. I was aching and throbbing and I desperately wanted to beg him to fuck me that very instant. But I knew better. He wouldn't make it that quick or that easy, no matter how much I begged. So I replied, like the dutiful little cunt he loves me to be.

"Cross your legs." His order was like a bark. It always made me sit with my back very straight and it always made me pay very close attention. He had that effect on me. I immediately crossed my right leg over my left while I sat on the edge of the chair with my back very straight and gripped the edges of each side of the seat tightly enough that I could feel my knuckles straining against my skin.

"SQUEEZE!"

I whimpered and gasped as he raised his voice and immediately did as he commanded. There was no need for hesitation. His commands were always clear and simple, leaving no room for misinterpretation. Watching him and listening to his commands made my clit throb with need and my cunt ache to be filled. I wanted to cum right then and there.

"Master, please? Please?" I begged so sweetly, so nicely.

"Today we see what my bitch is made of." I understood those words and his intent behind them. He was going to torment me mercilessly... and I was going to love every single moment.

"I need it, Master. Please. Your cunt is throbbing wildly, Master." He knew very well what "it" was. He knew me to be a cum-hungry whore... HIS cum-hungry whore. I needed him to command the orgasm. Without his command or permission I wouldn't and couldn't cum.

"No. You WILL control what I own. You WILL be an OBEDIENT WHORE. You WILL OBEY ME."

"Yes, Master. Always, Master."

"LEGS WIDE."

"oh God... Master!" I spread my legs wide apart and he barked that he wanted them wider. My blood rushed to the lips of my cunt and to that pesky little button that aided his torment of me. I needed him to fill me with his glorious cock. Parting my legs wide for him only made me more aware of how empty I was without him. The cool air on his wet meat made me shudder as my body temperature rose as I slipped deeper into subspace.

"Bitch want my cock?"

"Yes! Yes, Master. Please! I need all of you. I need my Master." I heard the desperation in my own voice. I sounded pathetic and needy.

My pathetic begging was rewarded. He masturbated before my very eyes, mere inches from my face and denied me the pleasure of touching him. I watched, hungry and needy and desperate to suck him with my mouth and stroke him with my hands.

"Open your mouth wide, bitch. WIDE! And don't you dare swallow. I want to see you drool. You don't swallow until I tell you to swallow."

I opened my mouth as wide as I could. My jaw ached. I watched, whimpering with my mouth open while he jacked his cock and filled my mouth with his cum. I choked and gagged a little with my efforts not to swallow when his cum hit the back of my throat. I held the puddle of his cum in my mouth. I heard him groan and then he did what I thought I would never allow anyone to do to me. He pissed on my naked flesh. His warm, liquid golden fluid splashing off my face and neck and breasts.

I was shocked and maybe even a little disgusted at first. And then, strangely enough, I was even more aroused than I had been seconds before. He was marking me... with his cum, his piss and spit. He was marking me as his. That's exactly what I was and am. I am his. He does what he wishes with me and to me.

With that realization I moaned louder. I began to feel the tiny muscles in my cunt spasm. I was nearing an uncontrollable orgasm. Luckily, he recognized the signs and immediately took control of it, of me.

"Legs crossed. SQUEEZE them tight. Give your mind to me. You will not cum. You will control what you have given me. I am in control of your body and mind. It does all your Master asks of it. SWALLOW, my bitch!"

I felt it coat my throat. I went deeper into subspace, in a daze... in a haze. I licked my lips and tasted his piss on them. I realized then just how fully he owned me and was aroused beyond measure by how far I would go for him.

"Master, I love you so very much."

"I love you too, my treasured child."

He had never spoken those words. I didn't think he'd ever tell me he loved me. I didn't think he would ever love me. My eyes began to fill with tears.

"You will not cry. Your body will relax. It is mine and it will do as I say. Is that understood?"

I nodded my head, blinking back tears and looking at him adoringly.

"Your body and mind will be held on the brink - a constant state of bliss until I say to let it go. Let the throbbing fill you, feed you. Let the ache in your nipples pierce your body."

I whimpered, "Master, the throbbing and aching won't stop."

"No, it won't. But that is where it will stay. Aching. Knowing Master will decide when. And you will lovingly keep it there. Your mind and cunt filled with the thought and feeling of Master's cock slipping in and out of you over and over and over again. Your wet hole only there to please his cock, his every animalistic desire. Your orgasm his gift if he decides it."

I moaned like a bitch in heat. I felt like an animal. My need for him was overpowering and raw.

"Legs wide, my lucious little cumrag."

I moaned and groaned louder. "Every time you have me open wide I'm made achingly aware of how empty I am without you... and the throbbing increases."

He wiped his semi-flacid cock across my cheek. My mouth instinctively opened wide and turned towards his cock. My cunt spasmed again and I whimpered desperately.

"Open and close repeatedly. WHOSE IS IT !?!?"

"Yours. Yours. It wants to cum."

"WHAT IS IT'S PURPOSE??"

"To serve you."

"Good girl. You will own that statement of truth. Open and close faster. Feel my little cock pocket sucking for what isn't there. Aching. Swollen. Needing. CROSS THEM! Now uncross, legs together and relaxed."

I whimper a pathetic "Master".

"You WILL control my body."

"Master... Master... please." I am more desperate than ever to cum, to be filled. He is merciless and doesn't allow it.

"Who owns you, bitch?"

happy birthday indeed

Him: Happy belated birthday, my cherished sweet little fuckmonkey.

me: Thank you, Master

Him: Well you won't get to blow your candles out.

me: i won't?

Him: No. You'll be made to stand over them, make a wish, and rub my meat until you use your cum to extinguish the flames... As you suck my cock.

me: whimpers

me: i need your cock, Master. Every day i need you more. And every day it gets more difficult to be away from you.

Him: Do you have any idea how badly your Master wants to feed it to you, use all your holes at my whim - my bitch always at the ready, always willing to serve?

me: i have no idea, Master.

Him: ALWAYS, CUNT. Your Master wants and needs you always.

me: Master, you're making me ache. I need to be filled by you.

Him: You will be. My meat will be filled with my cock, then stuffed in your mouth... Held deep. Cum splashed down your throat; so deep you won't taste it. Then you'll suck and adore me till hard again. Then my bitch will spread her ass wide for her Master and beg for her ass to be filled. And beg well, my little whore, because I will only drag it over your asshole softly until I am satisfied. My saliva dripping from my mouth , splashing over your little puckered hole. The head of Masters cock smearing it in.

Him: CAN YOU SMELL MY MEAT, BITCH!?

me: Yes, Master.

Him: MY MEAT, WHORE! Is that clear?

me: whimpers and pants

me: Yes, Master... yours.

Him: Your entire being, your every thought belong to ME!!

shopping

His son was running late for school and still fast asleep. He said he was going to wake him by breathing his coffee breath in his face. I asked if he would wake me that way too. He said he had a much better way of waking me - he will be raping my ass.

We have been very focused on my ass lately. Well, really its his ass... it belongs to him and he can do whatever he wishes with it and whatever he wishes with me. He sent me to a sex shop the other day and had me shop for a butt plug while he was on the phone with me. He spoke filthy words in my ear and growled his orders to me while I tried to maintain my composure in public.

I felt like everyone was watching me and knew just what I was - his whore, his slut, his cumrag. They must have known I was talking to my Master. They must have known he was growling his orders to me - guiding me through the shop, telling me what to look for and what to avoid, telling me that he knew I was wet and soaking through my panties. He was right. My panties were soaked. He asked if I could smell his meat. I could, I did. The scent of arousal was intoxicating and I wondered if others could smell it if when they stood close to me. I wondered if the people in the shop, my fellow perverts, were aware of my shallow breathing and low panting. Did they know he was making his whore wet and desperate with need? Did they know I was nothing but his? Did they know I was owned and would do anything for my owner?

Once the butt plug was selected he asked me to look for a hood clamp. I went into their fetish section at the back of the store to look for one. I was greeted by a display of various floggers, cuffs, crops, nipple clamps, and even a few swings. He heard my breathing change in intensity and he asked what had caught my attention. I told him about the floggers and nipple clamps and he told me how he would be using both on me to torture my wanton flesh. Lost in the moment and drifting into subspace, I began to moan softly. I started to beg, calling out his name repeatedly. I was begging for him to make me cum and when I slipped slightly out of my subspace haze and realized where I was I begged him to not make me cum for fear that someone would see me. He was merciless - making my knees weak and my entire being tremble. He made me cum while I stood there looking at the vast array of nipple clamps. He made me cum in public - in a sex shop in the middle of a weekday. He made me cum for him because its what he wanted... and what I wanted or my comfort level were irrelevant.

He said he loved that I could cum for him without even touching myself. Knowing that I pleased him was a greater reward than the orgasm.

failure

Him: Hi baby. It has been a hectic day of running. I only have a few minutes.

me: i'm holding baby B. She's in colic mode.

Him: smiles and kisses you both

me: Thanks, Master

Him: Tell her to knock it off or she gets the baby flogger.

me: laughs

Him: I'm sorry you're having a rough day. I wish I could help you. I should have written a baby care manual.

me: Run away with me where the cost of living is cheap... we'll take the four kids with us.

Him: Dare to dream.

me: i hear costa rica is nice.

Him: So do I.

Him: The bitch (aka his wife, soon to be ex-wife) will be here in a couple of minutes.

me: ok, Master. i hope you have a good night.

Him: I'd be better with my cum dripping from every hole on your body... ears INCLUDED.

me: so would i.

Him: The time will come, whore.

me: i'm counting on it, Master. i'm living for it.

Him: We will see about that.

me: Have faith, my Master. Its what you often tell me.

Him: You will be beaten down, marked and used and shown your sole purpose. You won't piss without permission.

me: i have it in writing and i'm holdng you to it.

Him: If my cock is hard and you aren't there to service it, bitch will know PAIN.

me: i love my demanding hardass motherfucker Master. And i love it when you're like this... makes your cunt drool.

Him: And as soon as your ass is alone the letter " S " will be scratched into my fucking meat to the point it is welted and that is what I will find in my mail next. Your gaol is to get to your desired shape and to keep your Masters meatholes TIGHT.

me: Scratch S... seriously?

Him: DID I FUCKING STUDDER CUNT!?!?

me: i love you so much, Master.

Him: The " S " on my MEAT and Masters cockrest spread WIDE. Do I make myself clear, cumrag?

me: Yes, Master.

Him: Wet and wanting, whore. AM I CLEAR?

me: Master, i'm not usually wet without you.

Him: Make sure you are. Use your song and thoughts of what I am going to do to your flesh. You will sure crawl and grovel before me.

me: Yes, Master... i will do my best.

Him: Thats my good little cumguzzler. In fact, that may be all you are allowed to eat when you are here. My bitch will be waiting each time I come to the door at her hotel waiting to be fed - like a child deprived its candy. My cum your only nourishment.

me: Master, i love that you're finally thinking a little bit about me being with you.

Him: You have your task. Make sure it is done to the letter. Understood?

me: Yes, my Master... but i don't know when i'll be able to do it.

Him: Send him out when the babies are calm. I don't care what for, just make sure he leaves. Am I clear, my whore?

me: Yes, Master, but baby B doesn't usually calm before 9pm and by then i am totally exhausted. Can't i please do it tomorrow? Please, Master? Besides, where the heck can i reasonably send him at 9pm when we're both exhausted from dealing with the girls?

Him: You have til noon my time.

me: Yes, Master. Thank you for extending the deadline.

Him: Luckily for you I am in a kind mood.

me: You're always kind.

Him: Take care of the girls. Time for me to go.

me: Yes, Master. Have a good night.

Him: You will taste my meat once every thirty minutes any time you are awake until your task is complete. One finger shoved deep and immediately pulled out and cleaned, once every thirty minutes.

me: Master, i have babies. They don't always allow for these things and its hard to be wet when you're caring for a crying baby.

Master: WHEN ALLOWED you will do as told.

me: Yes, Master.

Him: You will NOT be shown such mercy when you are before me, cunt!

me: i know, Master. i won't expect it or even want it then.

Him: Good, I don't want you getting your hopes up.

me: You know what my hopes are, Master... and they don't involve mercy.

Him: None will be shown.

Him: Time to go.

me: Yes, Master.


I went to bed shortly after that conversation and was filled with anxiety over having to complete this task on time. Circumstances were making it very difficult. Family obligations were making it impossible. I barely slept because of it and I tried my best to do as instructed, but was feeling more and more stress as I watched the clock and felt time ticking away much too quickly. The next morning, we shared this exchange:

me: i'm watching the clock and getting more stressed by the minute. And now i'm crying because i'm failing you and i'm not supposed to fail you. If i can't complete a clear task, even with a deadline extension, then how am i supposed to make you happy?

Him: Shhhhhhhhhh, it's ok. Just calm down.

me: Am feeding baby A now. i haven't even showered yet. I've been reading old archived conversations from you to get my juices flowing, but it just isn't happening.

Him: ok. ok. Relax.

Him: ~Strokes your cheek with my fingers gently and kisses you softly~

me: i'm supposed to be your perfect girl, Master... and i'm so far from it. i've been repeatedly failing you, Master.

Him: Are you my cunt?

me: Yes, i'm your cunt.

Him: My whore?

me: Yes, Master.

Him: My bitch and friend?

me: Am i your friend? i don't know... i want you to think of me as your friend.

Him: Are you?

me: Yes, Master.

Him: Then you are my perfect girl. We all stumble, little girl.

me: But i've been failing you so much lately. i'm supposed to give you everything you want.

Him: There is stumbling and then there is failing. Failing to me is a refusal to complete a task. Do you refuse to do it?

me: No, Master.

Him: Then you have not failed me. You have much going on there. Trust i take all of it into consideration.

me: Master, i want to make you happy. You so rarely ask anything specific of me and now that you do, i'm failing to deliver.

Him: Stop. When you hear me say you have failed me, then you need to worry. Do I make myself clear?

me: Yes, Master.

Him: Good girl. Now stop crying.

me: i can't.

Him: My bitch is strong. There is no need to cry.

me: i'm just upset with myself.

Him: I know you have a need to please and you can be weak in your love for me. You did not refuse.

me: i won't ever refuse.

Him: I know you won't. You are Masters good little fuckdoll, aren't you?

me: Yes,Master.

Him: Then smile because I see you no other way.

me: Master, i even tried thinking of you and touching myself when i went back to bed at 6:30am... and still nothing.

Him: Your mind and body are worn down. You have a child in your lap at most times during the day.

me: But when you're with me my body always responds.

Him: I know it does, as mine does to you.

me: Truly, Master?

Him: Truly

me: i love you so much, Master.

Him: And had you not a child in your arms your Master would surely make his bitch ooze for him.


I did end up completing his task. I showered after we spoke and masturbated, with his permission, and then used the tip of a pair of scissors to scratch the letter "S" on his freshly shaven meat until that "S" was red and irritated and raised. I photographed it and emailed him the evidence of my completed task... serving as further evidence of my devotion to him.